A frequent topic of conversation I have with other parents – both in-person and online – is the toddler who won’t sleep.
This is because many, many toddlers won’t sleep. Either from the outset of the toddler’s bedtime, or throughout the night. If it’s at bedtime, it sucks any time you might have to do anything for yourself. If it’s during the night, you’re tired throughout the next day, and too tired to want to do anything for yourself anyway.
I’ve dealt with the scenario, so I’d like to share what I did that worked. I have time to write this blog post because of this methodology. And because I’m actively working to make sure I give time to the activities I enjoy – like SEO-friendly writing about music.
What does a toddler who won’t sleep have to do with music?
Because music takes time. And if your toddler is taking up so much of your time that you can’t get to playing music, well…lads, that’s not great.
It’s a point of self-care. Our kids are the light of our lives, but damn…we used to enjoy stuff, and do it for no reason other than enjoying it, and they take away from that. That’s not a complaint. It’s a decision good parents make.
Yeah.
I was a judgy bitch right there.
Anyway, it’s a good point of self-care to do activities you enjoy. With sleep-resistant toddlers, I’ve found it takes a little more management.
OK then, Dr. Spock ‘n’ Roll – what did you do about this toddler who won’t sleep?
I’ll start with a disclaimer.
I’m not a child psychologist, or a sleep science expert, or in possession of any accreditation that puts my word above anybody elses. I just have my experience as the dad of a toddler who won’t sleep.
Every child is different. What worked for mine might not work for yours.
But, here’s what was up, and how I managed it, so I could find a little more time for music, and other things I used to have more time for.
Timeframes are hazy, because I was exhausted. But, I’ve broken it down into chronological sections.
Part 1: Identifying the problem
When my daughter was in early toddlerdom, it took a while, but eventually, she would sleep through the night. It was a magical time! And it lasted about six months.
She took to waking in the middle of the night, crying for mommy. She’d settle and sleep through most of the night in bed with mommy. However, this meant that neither toddler nor mommy were getting a good night’s sleep. And that’s no good.
Daddy, Gatekeeper of Sleep
Eventually, daddy – that’s me – got sick of all this.
One night, when I went into the room when the little toddler was crying for mommy, I took her up and sat with her in a rocking chair in her room. She continued wailing for mommy, and when mommy came, I said, “nope.”
I was going to hold her, and soothe her, and basically let her cry it out in my arms. She needed to learn that she couldn’t exclusively rely on mommy taking her into bed.
After a few nights I think, it worked! She was going to sleep for me while I rocked her. However, this led to another problem.
It’s hard enough sitting there, rockin’ in your rockin’ chair
I realized that if I even thought about getting up from the chair, she would wake up and start crying.
Which meant that I spent a lot of nights sleeping slouched in a chair. That is not healthy or productive sleep.
It suddenly clicked what the problem was: she depended on body heat – either my wife’s from bed, or my own from the chair – to get to sleep.
OK. We had the crux of the problem. Now I knew exactly what needed to be fixed.
Just made my songs sound like they had more wah.
Part 2: Come on now let’s fix this mess
As an Elder Millennial, I started where Elder Millenials typically start problem-solving: Dr. Google. I came to this page.
I latched on to the idea of parental presence, because you’re still present to comfort and reassure your child, while not holding them, therefore not sharing any body heat. Further, I like the sound of the camping out method, because you can eventually leave the room.
I did a little more Googling to see if there were any success stories to lend credibility. I learned that it seems to mostly have legs in Australia and New Zealand, but a few comments on Reddit indicated it was legit. And well, I was ready to try anything.
Here we go, here we go, here we, here we go go
Firstly, I just wanted her in the crib. Obviously, she cried. I calmly spoke to her, soothingly and reassuringly: “You’re safe, and mommy and daddy love you. You’re doing great.” I’d let her hug me while she was standing in her crib, but I wouldn’t pick her up.
It was heartbreaking, but I knew it was important.
Eventually, I’d say I was just going to sit in the chair at the end of her crib. She might be awake, but she’d be calm and happy, and eventually wear herself out.
Progress!
IMPORTANT NOTE: Keep your phone in your pocket
I think this was a really important thing. The light is a distraction to the toddler. They’re upset enough without denying them screentime to give them another reason to be upset. There’s nothing wrong with having a little screen-free time for yourself either.
On the move
After a few weeks – probably unneccessarily – I think that was longer than I had to – instead of sitting in the chair, I started sitting in the middle of the floor. It took her a while to get used to that, and she did express a preference for me sitting in the chair.
However, I’m not a young guy. When she’d fall asleep, it wasn’t just the creaking chair and floorboards I was contending with, it was my creaky ankles and knees. So, I recognized that every move closer to the door meant fewer creaks that might wake her.
If I recall correctly, I spent barely a week in the middle of the floor before I moved to the wall by the door of her room. I appreciated the back support. I think I did that for at least a couple of weeks. In hindsight, I probably didn’t need to. That was also probably longer than necessary.
My next move was to the door frame. This was cool, because with the layout of her room, it was just around the corner from her bed. So, I was out of sight, but I just needed to learn over if she needed to know I was still there.
Best of all, it was enough to be able to start looking at my phone without her getting distracted. I got really into my reading and would try punch in a chapter of whatever book I had on the go.
Out of the room
The next move felt like the most enormous step: I started sitting outside the door of the room.
Then, I started sitting outside the door…but with the door closed. From there, I started lying on the bed in the room next door to read my chapter.
IMPORTANT NOTE: Throughout all these stages, whenever she’d call, I’d go into her.
But, all I’d do was pick her up and lay her down again. I’d say the same reassuring words as before, and go back to where I was sitting/lying.
A new dependency for a toddler who won’t sleep
At this stage in our training, we were in a relatively good spot. However, she would still call me A LOT of times before eventually settling down to sleep.
She also still woke up multiple times throughout the night, but getting her back to sleep rarely took more than 30 seconds.
There was no doubt that things had improved. And while I was glad to get so much reading done – I read Roots! – I still didn’t like not being able to get downstairs and get on with other things.
I realized that she was now dependent on my presence to be able to sleep.
Whenever she called I was there. She knew that, and I realized I was basically being summoned to chat because she didn’t want to sleep.
Breaking the new dependency
It was relatively painless breaking this dependency: I started telling her I was going downstairs, and not to call me until her Hatch came on the next morning.
I told her I needed to clean the kitchen so she couldn’t be calling me.
It wasn’t complete plain sailing. A few things she worked out:
- I’d come if she cried loud and hard. When I’d enter her room, I’d remind her that I was cleaning the kitchen. To which she’d reply, “but I was crying for you,” without a tear in her eye.
- I’d come if she called out that her blanket fell down. I kept explaining that if she stayed lying down, the blanket wouldn’t fall off her. Eventually, I held a workshop for pulling the blanket back up so you don’t have to call Daddy. She’s needed a reminder of what to do, but it’s less frequent. It’s kind of funny overall.
- I’d come if she said she needed to potty. She does not always actually need to potty.
Eventually, I clocked that a lot of her antics were just attention-seeking, and wouldn’t go up. Now, I only go in if it’s intense crying or potty: sometimes it’s just attention-seeking, but I won’t risk her feeling like I’ll ignore her when she really needs me. That’s just being a jerk.
And that’s where I’m at. I feel like I’ve reclaimed maybe an hour or so, on average.
I think that getting it right when she’s going to bed, as outlined here, has helped in minimizing the amount of wake-ups throughout the night. These days it’s mostly just one wake-up during the night.
Now that the toddler who won’t sleep has been tamed, what do you do with all your free time?
I look after myself.
I thought about the things I used to do and enjoy that got lost in domestic life. And I wrote out a schedule to make sure I give them time – I’m very much someone who gets things done by writing it down.
The runs are when I run home from dropping the toddler who won’t sleep at daycare. The middle two columns are for cleaning. Then the right-most column are my self-care, personal activities.
It’s been nice.
In terms of guitar, I revisited Nita Strauss’s course, and I’m working through her scales and exercises with metronome. It’s unlikely I’ll become a shredder, but there’s no harm on working on my speed.
The other important thing about the schedule is that I remind myself to be flexible and kind to myself about it.
Exactly no people will die if I run on a Tuesday because the toddler wasn’t at daycare on the Monday. If I sack all of it off for a week because I’m recording a new EP, that’s OK.
Reclaiming your time from a toddler who won’t sleep: summary
So, to recap my personal journey in reclaiming my time from a toddler who won’t sleep, that’s based solely on my experience, and may or may not work with your toddler:
- Find out why your toddler won’t sleep
- Figure out and start a routine that eases them away from whatever is keeping them up
- Write out a schedule to help you spend your precious reclaimed time in a fulfilling way
Best of luck!
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